In an exclusive gun-point interview with ‘Cerebral debris’, George Osborne, Tory shadow-boxer to the stars, revealed just how he planned to combat the pensions problem, with a novel method all sci-fi fans would be proud of.
According to the parliamentary candidate for Tatton and Sphincter, the novel in question is Logan’s run. The method in question – National Senicide. Osborne explains;
“If you don’t already know what senicide is, you’re probably either black or gay.”
Speaking from his bat cave in the mountainous region of Kandahar, Mr. Osborne continued;
“The other day I broke into a library and came across Logan’s Run, a wonderfully inspirational doctrine by William F Nolan and George Clayton Johnson. In their work, they explore the themes of utopia – showing that in order to acheive any kind of utopian society, you must first make a number of minor concessions.”
After a brief pause for water, a funky dance and a quick re-adjustment of his crotch padding, Osborne ellaborated;
“I guess what I’m trying to say is, just like the sweet lubricated rectum of a young teenage rent boy – perfection comes at a price. In the case of Logan’s Run, perfection is death at the age of 30.”
When asked about the relevance of this book to his eventual plans for office, the shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer laughed demonically, responding;
“We plan to raise the age to 60. No pensioners, no pensions, no problem. It’s simple logic, really.”
Under a possible Tory Leadership, it seems unfortunate old folk will be knocked off the mortal coil – under the guise of a routine check-up with their local GP. The money this will free up from state pensions, we’re assured, will be re-invested into building a nuclear war-head big enough to destroy France.
“We absolutely fucking hate the French,” barked Osborne. “The stench of garlic and sex has become so strong in that country, Michael Howard can no longer holiday in provence without fearing for his immortality.”
He then turned his attention back to the elderly.
“And they deserve to die”, he said. “Don’t you think there is something slightly sinister about blue-rinsed grannies who have no teeth, stink of piss and eat boiled sweets? Don’t you think that someone waking up in morning with an over-whelming desire to look like candyfloss, is only trying to trick small children into licking them? Don’t you think getting a blowjob from a bitch with no teeth should remain something that only happens in jail cells?”
We tried asking the ugly MP if he understood why such views would provoke a major moral outcry, but after rifling through a stolen dictionary to find out just what a moral actually was, we knew it was time to call it a day on this issue. Mr. Osborne then had what could only be described as a hissy-fit, parting to his coffin with this final offering;
“Howard Shipman was a Tory after my own heart. If he was still alive today, I’d give him flowers and blow jobs. He knew the answer to the pension problem and so does Logan’s run.”
If the worst comes to the worst, Mr. Osborne currently has 25 years left to live.
