Tory Party Unveil New Education Manifesto January 5, 2007

David Willetts MP, the shadow education secretary to David Cameron’s Conservative party, has announced radical new proposals to abolish all student tuition fees, if they ever get in to office.

Speaking at a press conference earlier this morning, Willetts unveiled controversial new Tory plans to scrap both Labour-introduced tuition and top-up fees, by finally scrapping students.

“Students are worse than Pakis,” Collins told reporters gathered outside the houses of Parliament.

“They stink, they’re ugly and they’d molest your mother, too” said the outspoken MP for Havant and Scat-queens.

“Putting it simply, a conservative Government would put an end to all top-up and tuition fees, by simply removing their demand. Abolish students and you abolish tutuion fees. That’s exactly what we’re proposing in this manifesto.”

Never one to mince his words, Mr. Willetts believes the reduction of students in Great Britain, would also be greatly beneficial to the quell of immigration.

“I hear these wild and wonderful conspiracy theories about how foreign folk contribute to our economy by filling underpaid and undesirable jobs in positions of manual labour. Nevertheless, I say, can’t we just get students to do that now? We would have no need for Pakis, Greeks, or anyone else from New Zealand, then. We could send them stinking Gypsies back to the moon.”

When asked if he thought these kinds of views could have detrimental implications on Ethnic race relations within the UK, Willetts told journalists;

“I’m not a racist. I don’t just don a Gucci hat for Lady’s Day at Royal Ascot. I once wore the same hat whilst I was making love to my hand over a photo of Jenson Button..”

Mr. Willetts also defended his proposals to remove students by focusing on what he said, were simple, scientific facts.

“Students are sponging alcoholics. Students do not bathe in regular water. The average student consumes five times the recommended daily allowance of noodles – a habit that often leads to isolated outbursts of murder, incest and herpies. Students are either Gays or Bisexual and may offer you poppers. Students funded Hitler, invaded Kuwait and probably stole all the pies. These are just some of the facts surrounding students, our scientists tell us.”

Rich students however, have little to fear under a new Tory Government.

“Naturally we’ll just call them Scholars”, Willetts said. “We all know that clever people are usually the rich ones. If they have the money to afford private education, then they’ve the right to good salaries and decent dental care. Everyone else shall be allocated careers in the blue-collared work sector, or simply made to fuck off back to where they came from.”

Mr. Willetts finally took the opportunity to ease the redundancy fears of University lecturers, as their hunger strike trickled well in to the second hour.

“Teachers are nothing more than piss-heads and pedophiles,” Willetts stated. “They have guaranteed jobs in Government.”

Interview with George Osborne, MP. January 3, 2007

In an exclusive gun-point interview with ‘Cerebral debris’, George Osborne, Tory shadow-boxer to the stars, revealed just how he planned to combat the pensions problem, with a novel method all sci-fi fans would be proud of.

According to the parliamentary candidate for Tatton and Sphincter, the novel in question is Logan’s run. The method in question – National Senicide. Osborne explains;

“If you don’t already know what senicide is, you’re probably either black or gay.”

Speaking from his bat cave in the mountainous region of Kandahar, Mr. Osborne continued;

“The other day I broke into a library and came across Logan’s Run, a wonderfully inspirational doctrine by William F Nolan and George Clayton Johnson. In their work, they explore the themes of utopia – showing that in order to acheive any kind of utopian society, you must first make a number of minor concessions.”

After a brief pause for water, a funky dance and a quick re-adjustment of his crotch padding, Osborne ellaborated;

“I guess what I’m trying to say is, just like the sweet lubricated rectum of a young teenage rent boy – perfection comes at a price. In the case of Logan’s Run, perfection is death at the age of 30.”

When asked about the relevance of this book to his eventual plans for office, the shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer laughed demonically, responding;

“We plan to raise the age to 60. No pensioners, no pensions, no problem. It’s simple logic, really.”

Under a possible Tory Leadership, it seems unfortunate old folk will be knocked off the mortal coil – under the guise of a routine check-up with their local GP. The money this will free up from state pensions, we’re assured, will be re-invested into building a nuclear war-head big enough to destroy France.

“We absolutely fucking hate the French,” barked Osborne. “The stench of garlic and sex has become so strong in that country, Michael Howard can no longer holiday in provence without fearing for his immortality.”

He then turned his attention back to the elderly.

“And they deserve to die”, he said. “Don’t you think there is something slightly sinister about blue-rinsed grannies who have no teeth, stink of piss and eat boiled sweets? Don’t you think that someone waking up in morning with an over-whelming desire to look like candyfloss, is only trying to trick small children into licking them? Don’t you think getting a blowjob from a bitch with no teeth should remain something that only happens in jail cells?”

We tried asking the ugly MP if he understood why such views would provoke a major moral outcry, but after rifling through a stolen dictionary to find out just what a moral actually was, we knew it was time to call it a day on this issue. Mr. Osborne then had what could only be described as a hissy-fit, parting to his coffin with this final offering;

“Howard Shipman was a Tory after my own heart. If he was still alive today, I’d give him flowers and blow jobs. He knew the answer to the pension problem and so does Logan’s run.”

If the worst comes to the worst, Mr. Osborne currently has 25 years left to live.